Having a name synonymous with toilet tissue isn’t all it’s cracked up to be
It’s a little
dis-fartening
to know I most often come to mind
immediately following a blistering bowel movement or the moment mold and mildew
is scraped from a sticky countertop.
Now occasionally the hallways of my elementary school would ruthlessly reverberate
from time to time with a
Potty Scotty, or Scotty Waddy-doo-doo-day
simply cause it rhymed,
although I was often known to have a runny nose and unusually thin mucus membrane
whereas the word ‘snotty’ would have been a much more suitable nickname to gain.

Just the same
it wasn’t until high school when my voice dropped
and the ridiculing stopped.
I grew to the perfect height learned how to dance like Napoleon Dynamite
and just like the recent remnants of a dirty dinner flushed down the John-Bon Jovi
mixed with a Don Cheadle George Clooney movie
I
was out of sight.
I was know known to hear chanting of Scotty’s a Hottie, Scotty the Body,
Roddy, Roddy Scotty
or the simple but no less true-
Hot Scott.

This however didn’t last very long,
but for the time being
my ego was boosted
and I was ever so pleased to be listed in relation to
blistering temperatures and sizzling summers
as opposed to rising blue toilet water amidst whizzing thunder.

It was always amusing to see how most children believed any person place or thing
with the same first name was either that very same person
or somehow in some strange way related.
I had to assuage outrageous claims that it was I who wrote the Great Gatsby
or daily disappoint Wiggin fans that I didn’t share a brain with the author of Ender’s Game.
Nor was I a six-eight-six-time world champion black man from Arkansas
that had the privilege of playing beside Michael Jordan, Steve Kerr and BJ Armstrong.

Criminal minded is a great album,
but I had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Buddy Lembeck seems like a swell guy and ‘Joanie’ may very well still love ‘Chachi,’
but there’s no way-o I’m Scott Baio.
There’d be no stopping Scott Joplin
from keeping Ragtime as no more than just a passing craze.
and although I wasn’t in any way affiliated with the decision,
if it was up to me,
Dred Scott would not have remained a slave.
I would a loved to attend the wedding between Coretta and King
and would kill to have written Sir Walter’s Waverly, Ivanhoe and Guy Mannering.

I didn’t direct Enemy of the State, Beverly Hills Cop 2 or Top Gun-
and I contributed diddly-squat to Ridley Scott’s
Blade Runner Black hawk Down, G.I. Jane and Black Rain.
I apologize to all Sci-Fi geeks
I’ve never Quantum Leaped
into a crash test Chimpanzee or a pianist who can’t see his knees
And in all seriousness
I have no teleportation capabilities!
I have never met Doctor Spock Captain Kirk nor chief engineer Montgomery Scott
cause if there’s one phrase I’ve heard more
than more than enough
I will never ever be able to Beam you or anyone up.

So stop.
Oh, and it’s not just good it’s Great Scott!
Yeah, pretty much can’t argue with that one, although it doesn’t surprise me
most people ignore its origin’s folklore
named for General Winfield Scott
hero of the Mexican war.
I’m not anymore a fan of biscotti’s than your average cappuccino drinker.
And contrary to what people know of me and the San Diego Chicken
This mascot and all others are of no immediate relation.
I also gotta say me and Gil Scot have absolutely no ties,
so this realization will not be televised.
I’ve never been to Scotland, Scottsville, or Scott’s County,
nor do I presume anything and everything Scottish is somehow a part of me.
I don’t like haggis and have never played the bagpipes
I’m merely a man with a name synonymous to toilet wipes.