What’s…LEWIS BLACK and BETTY WHITE and RED BUTTONS all over?
A Comedia-del-Arte entrée of SID’s CEASAR salad gobbling LILY crouTOMLINS
and CARL’s REINER-schnitzel
while watering GALLAGHER’s 2000-year-old MELons on frozen BROOKS
in WINTERS with JONATHAN DONnning
a peck of RICKELed pepperS, that could PHYL-thISS DILLER
with fresh material picked by HICKS
beneath the RAY’s of ROMANO cheese squeezed from SAHL shakers
that could make anyone inKLEINed
to sneeze or KAUF-the foibles of MAN-up REDD FOX-WORTHY of hilarious fire
PRYOR to RICHARD BURNing hairNETs on CAROLers
singing SIMON says kNEIL before the legends who’ve left us,
then wake my life
Please
to this hurly-BERLEy one liner-refiner
Say UNCLE
MILTY guilty of BENNY more laughs then JACK,
FLIPping WILSON a HENNY for your thoughts of GEORGE as a YOUNGMAN
with sideBURNS HOPEing BOB could gig in Iraq
cutting BRUCE with LENNY and JOHNNY crashing CARS-ON the tonight show
into the JOAN and KEVIN JAME’S RIVERS that run through it
being sure to leave no finger PRINZE
since it was actually the BRET BUTLER who did do it while playing LOUIE LOUIE ANDERSON
near a JIM BRUERy filled with kegs of beer
drunk by a bunch of underage punks with a candlestick and no clue about who is being a bigger DICK
GREGORY when they party-LAUREL and HARDY
with crowds of diversity like

ROCKstars CHRIS drinking STEWART’s root beer
on JOHN’s daily show full-knowing CHAPELLE’s lapel is flowing to the center of Comedy Central
waving magic WANDA SYKES at JIMMY KIMMEL and ROBERT SHIMMEL
in ADAM’s Toyota CORROLLA
ATTELLing DAVE BARRY to CARREY CARVEY’S CANDY BARR to ROSEANNE
and be DEGENERES to ELLENs coming out plan
cuz stand-up guys and gals BERN-HARD when sitting atop SANDRA’s body guard
lending LEWIS to borrow CARLIN’s car to run over the FCC
leaving a fleeing HOWARD to stay STERN and turn to satellite
that should excite audiences to cheer even though the applause SEIN-FEL-D when JERRY left NBC
to joke under GARY’s SHANDL-iers light-ING up expressions
of disgruntled CBS mail carriers looking like LETTERMEN with DAVE
plaguing CRAIG to KILL-his first-BORN
if CONAN doesn’t pay back the money he O’s-BRIAN and the opening monologue he lent LENO
when he was MAHREd for life when BILL moved to HBO and MILLER was drilled by a network dentist
who insisted a De LEARY-ious DENNIS called COLIN QUINN a medicine woman
for trying to MACk TINA’s FEYce during a weekend update
at BERNIEs place where old MACDONALD had an abNORMal farm with a biPOEHLER charm
in an age of DAN AKAROYD rage and an off-balance FALLON CHASEing CHEVY’s
down a road paved in SPADES made in ADAM SANDLER’s-box building ROCKETS in GROSS moats
outside big BRAD HALLs with GUEST hosts paying hundred dollar
BILL and BRIAN DOYLE MURRAYS to have KEVIN kNEAL-ON JANEs CURTAINs
certain she was WRIGHT behind STEVEN weaving around the EDDIE IZZARD of OZ
giving BOB a NEW-HART,
the THREE STOOGES a brain and an EDDIE GRIFFIN some courage to let it fly like WOODY-woodpecker
a CRYSTAL blueJAY MOHR, and a red ROBIN WILLIAMS
being eaten by a BOBCAT worth his GOLdTHWAIT in DICEd-CLAY

Be sure to stay for home improvements own TIM ALLEN
PAULA POUNDing STONES into MARCIA’s CROSS
at a loss for who’s line is it anyway and learn HOWIE
MAN-hand-DELed DREW to CARREY RYAN’s STYLES to a bunch of WAYNE BRADY’s making MOHRCHIES
of COLIN taking PROOPS on GREG
in BRIAN SHERWOOD forest
Find the jerk with two brains and a bow-finger who stole STEVE’s MARTINi
from the SHORT father of the bride of young Frankenstein
getting WILDER than GENE at MARTIN St. LAWRENCE living life with holy man EDDIE MURPHY
somehow stuck in DANGERFIELDs of GOTTFRIED in these family friendly films that nobody saw
that make BILL COSBY seem more raw
than the son of SAM KINISON
Be sure to pay the check-mate when CEDRIC
plays the ENTERTAINER during his date
with QUEEN LATIFAH as GOLDIE HAWN pawns JOEY’s BISHOP for an ALAN KING
and a free-JACKIE-MASON concert
in a secret underground lair where if you SIN-BAD
you will be none the REISER than PAUL
pretending to be a BILLY CONNOLY artist…
Since you can’t HACKETT without a BUDDY to bounce jokes off and ask who’s on first
if what’s on second will never match the magic of ABBOT and COSTELLO
Cause just knowing the WAY-ANS
won’t make everything KEAN and IVORY
on the way-out
when brothers MARLON, SHAWN and DAMON spawn jealousy of JAMIE moving past FOX
as the golden ray who now knocks socks and ROCKs movie grins with Oscar wins trailed by
TOMMY on his Harley DAVIDSON
while bringing up the rear it’s DAVID ALLAN GRIER fearing that when he’s no longer living in color
JIM will CARREY his coffin and not his mother…
Just keep it on the DL HUGHLEY that this brother makes RICHARD JENI from the block look like
a DAVID CROSS between DAVID BRENNER and MARILU HENNER
hanging with MR. PAT COOPER fishing for fried KEVIN POLLACK in a frozen pond with DOM IRRERA
ice-skating beside ROB REINER and BOBBY SLAYTON.
Answer the RICHARD BELZER when it rings so PAUL RODRIQUEZ can GARA-FALO JANEANE
to the ANDY DICKtionary where you’ll find a picture of SHELLEY BERMAN
on a WHOOPI GOLDBERG cushion shushing BEN to stay STILL-ER
than LARRY MILLER spraying LOUIE CK One on the RED SKELTONS in the closet
of GEORGE WALLACE SHAWN of a new day paved in recent GLEASONs
gleaming screens and stage ovations
standing-up for all human hilarity.

Last night my girlfriend and I had a fight.
Instead of the bed I was banished to the sofa.
I so hope a reconciliation comes fast
cuz without her I don’t think I’m gonna last.
I’m not gonna lie, but every moment I spend on my couch I think I might die.

And not from any horrible disease or some basic need unmet.
Although my death could quite possibly be linked to my own neglect.
It seems to me to be pretty secure and all, but every so often I hear this erie almost foreboding creak
As if everything’s about to fall off the wall-a mere millisecond before killing me in my sleep.
You see when it comes to handiwork I’m no slouch,
but I recently tried hanging this giant framed painting over my living room couch.
And really, it’s only a matter of time
before my skull is crushed and a bazillion shards of glass stegasaur down my spine.
Imagine that.
You’re snoring a little too loud–shift sides while spooning the remote…because its dark…
and wham !!!
You’re killed by a piece of shitty art–
beheaded by an amateurish rendering of Ice-Skaters in Central Park.
Now it’s one thing to be killed by a piece of good art or fine art, you know by one of the greats,
but imagine dying from a crappy finger-painting of two ferns burning that everyone hates.
Pathetic.
Truth be told I live near the very same ice skating rink in Central Park pictured on my wall.
What if I was maimed, injured or killed by a picture of said rink rather than by the rink itself.
Also pretty sad.
I think i’m gonna go apologize to my girlfriend
so I can continue
to hang
with her.